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Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal.

Do You Really Qualify for Divorce? - Michelle Rozen - TEDxNSU

But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.


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As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency. Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas: 1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision.

Get a divorce

Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.

The affair that saved our marriage

I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working.

Work on Yourself

If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces. For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.

To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions. The 8 Questions 1. Do you still have feelings for your partner? Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.

Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement.


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She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship.

With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time. Were you ever really married? To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position.

They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us? Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week.

I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. Deciding whether your marriage is over or if you've still got some fight left is obviously not a choice that comes easily—especially after you've put in the work to try to salvage what feels like a loveless relationship. Here are some of the most common signs that you could be ready to move onto the next chapter of your life and file for divorce.

Believe it or not, you're supposed to argue. Silence and avoidance can be detrimental to a relationship. Juliana Morris.

I want a divorce from my husband - What should I do?

While not all fights are productive, it's healthy to be able to resolve arguments in a way that benefits the marriage, she says: "You fight for each other. You fight for the relationship. The biggest problem is when there's no fight left. While never fighting complete detachment may be one sign of impending divorce, the way you argue when you do have a disagreement is another indication. When you find you're constantly testing how far you can push your marriage before it completely shatters, you're playing divorce roulette. Sunny Joy McMillan, author of Unhitched says that once you start trying to push your spouse's threshold, it's possible that you subconsciously want to end things but are afraid to make the move.

We're not talking the pitter patter of love. We're referring to full on, heart-rate-rising stress. If you have a negative physical reaction when your spouse walks into the room, it's important to pay attention to what your body is telling you, says McMillan. Along those same lines, if your heart grows heavy and your stomach balls up into a knot every time you think about staying in your marriage, your body is letting you know it might be time to go.

With marriage, you have to suck it and see; if it sucks, you may not want to see it through. For Neal, too, it was a second marriage; she was 24, he was 25, which among their New York contemporaries made them feel like a child bride and underage bridegroom.

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4 Ways to Avoid Getting a Divorce - wikiHow

He came with a son, Blake, now away at college, and they live with their other son, Oliver, in a small Brooklyn flat and a house in the Catskills, New York state. Ada studied Sanskrit at university but decided journalism offered more of a career. Readers wrote in to thank her. Despite the fact that he lost the key to the wine fridge.

Ada was on her American publicity tour when I spoke to her on the phone and put to her the question she has been asked most about her book: does Neal take a dim view of his portrayal? She has revealed that he slurps his coffee and rattles the soup spoon against his teeth. He is a financial walking disaster area. And worse.


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It is not that she would actually kill him but she has confessed to a friend — and now to us readers — that she sometimes wishes he would just, well, disappear. She had whipped through her first wedding in her lunch hour. Her second was more elaborate, featuring as it did both food and guests. Ada went on to pick a lot of other brains, including those of her first husband, who, she discovered, has turned out rather well. Practically all of the couples with decades under their belts admitted that they had considered divorce — and were glad they had stayed together.